Be At Peace

 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. 
   Psalms 37:7


I closed my eyes and prayed. Begging God to show me what is next.

"What do I need to do? What do you want to show me? I am ready! I am so ready to put it all down and follow. I just need to know. Show me what I am to do and I will do it!"

And I sit there.  In the still darkness.  And I wait.

Thoughts that are stern yet quiet echo in my head. Words that I don't really want to hear.  "Be at peace. Be still and be at peace."

I just wanted to yell, "What?! That is it??  I want something bigger!"

I have had 3 children in 3 1/2 years. In my 10 years of marriage, we have moved 7 times.  My house; full of always hyper children is not peaceful. My heart; full of longing: wanting and needing more doesn't know peace.  My head; swirling anxious thoughts and always trying to figure out the next plan is not at peace. I don't know peacefulness.

I didn't realize that.  How could I not have realized that? 

I realized that I can't even pray without trying to answer my own prayer. I can't just let the worries of my heart go and trust. I think I can do it.. but it doesn't last longer than a day.  I am always doubting, always wondering if He really got it, does he REALLY understand how important this is? Was that a sign or was I trying to MAKE that a sign? My mind is always on go. Never stopping, never still.

I am not at peace.

I think God is trying to teach this stubborn and impatient child that maybe my "something bigger" will take a year, maybe 10 years. Maybe it won't be what I am praying for but will turn out to be something even better.  I'm not supposed to know, I'm just supposed to trust and put all of my faith, trust and love in HIM. Something great IS in store for me, I know this without a doubt. But I need to go through this famine of quiet first. Learn to be at peace. And trust.

Uncomfortable

"I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives."
-Katie Davis,   
Kisses From Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption


    I'm realizing more and more how God wants us to be a bit uncomfortable.  The past 10 months or so have been some of the worst yet best moments of my life.  I have never felt so out of control of my life, my emotions, my body, children and safety.  I have slowly learned that it is OK to not be in control of it all. When "I know best", when I am doing it all so perfectly, I am not relying on God to help me.  I am now at the point as a Christian parent when my kids are really fighting and I feel so unsure about how to handle it, I take a moment and pray about how to best handle the situation. I pray for patience when I feel myself losing my temper.  I pray for forgiveness and humble feelings when I let my anger get the best of me and I need to apologize to my kids.

I NEED God in my life. I am so far from being perfect and if I was perfect, I wouldn't be able to trust and have faith in my creator. I think to the really tough times in my life.. While at the time I felt so alone and empty and scared... it was Hell and I was so confused and not even sure about God anymore. I decided to still keep going with my faith no matter my doubts and feelings. To trust God the best I could. To talk with Him about my doubts and fears but also follow him as completely as I could. Those turned out to be my best moments, my best faith walks with Jesus. I realized I am not enough and I wasn't created to be enough.  I learned when I put all my faith in God, even when it doesn't make much sense at the time, He will not disappoint. That doesn't mean life will go without a hitch, it doesn't mean that I won't have tough times but it does mean I am not alone and God will see me through those times with Him by my side.

 So here is a thought.. A rather unsettling thought but maybe, just maybe God wants us to be a bit uncomfortable in our lives because how do we put our faith and our trust in God if we have it all under control ourselves?  That isn't what we were created for and we all have something much bigger and better and so AMAZING planned for our life if we just let our control go.


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18.