Be At Peace

 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. 
   Psalms 37:7


I closed my eyes and prayed. Begging God to show me what is next.

"What do I need to do? What do you want to show me? I am ready! I am so ready to put it all down and follow. I just need to know. Show me what I am to do and I will do it!"

And I sit there.  In the still darkness.  And I wait.

Thoughts that are stern yet quiet echo in my head. Words that I don't really want to hear.  "Be at peace. Be still and be at peace."

I just wanted to yell, "What?! That is it??  I want something bigger!"

I have had 3 children in 3 1/2 years. In my 10 years of marriage, we have moved 7 times.  My house; full of always hyper children is not peaceful. My heart; full of longing: wanting and needing more doesn't know peace.  My head; swirling anxious thoughts and always trying to figure out the next plan is not at peace. I don't know peacefulness.

I didn't realize that.  How could I not have realized that? 

I realized that I can't even pray without trying to answer my own prayer. I can't just let the worries of my heart go and trust. I think I can do it.. but it doesn't last longer than a day.  I am always doubting, always wondering if He really got it, does he REALLY understand how important this is? Was that a sign or was I trying to MAKE that a sign? My mind is always on go. Never stopping, never still.

I am not at peace.

I think God is trying to teach this stubborn and impatient child that maybe my "something bigger" will take a year, maybe 10 years. Maybe it won't be what I am praying for but will turn out to be something even better.  I'm not supposed to know, I'm just supposed to trust and put all of my faith, trust and love in HIM. Something great IS in store for me, I know this without a doubt. But I need to go through this famine of quiet first. Learn to be at peace. And trust.

Uncomfortable

"I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives."
-Katie Davis,   
Kisses From Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption


    I'm realizing more and more how God wants us to be a bit uncomfortable.  The past 10 months or so have been some of the worst yet best moments of my life.  I have never felt so out of control of my life, my emotions, my body, children and safety.  I have slowly learned that it is OK to not be in control of it all. When "I know best", when I am doing it all so perfectly, I am not relying on God to help me.  I am now at the point as a Christian parent when my kids are really fighting and I feel so unsure about how to handle it, I take a moment and pray about how to best handle the situation. I pray for patience when I feel myself losing my temper.  I pray for forgiveness and humble feelings when I let my anger get the best of me and I need to apologize to my kids.

I NEED God in my life. I am so far from being perfect and if I was perfect, I wouldn't be able to trust and have faith in my creator. I think to the really tough times in my life.. While at the time I felt so alone and empty and scared... it was Hell and I was so confused and not even sure about God anymore. I decided to still keep going with my faith no matter my doubts and feelings. To trust God the best I could. To talk with Him about my doubts and fears but also follow him as completely as I could. Those turned out to be my best moments, my best faith walks with Jesus. I realized I am not enough and I wasn't created to be enough.  I learned when I put all my faith in God, even when it doesn't make much sense at the time, He will not disappoint. That doesn't mean life will go without a hitch, it doesn't mean that I won't have tough times but it does mean I am not alone and God will see me through those times with Him by my side.

 So here is a thought.. A rather unsettling thought but maybe, just maybe God wants us to be a bit uncomfortable in our lives because how do we put our faith and our trust in God if we have it all under control ourselves?  That isn't what we were created for and we all have something much bigger and better and so AMAZING planned for our life if we just let our control go.


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18.

Kind of.. Lumpy??

"We may be different from the rest

Who decides the test
Of what is really best?"
-"Misfits" from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

    So the past 3 years (since Noah was born, to be exact) I have turned from my smooth-as-butter ways to a bit more crunchy.

    "HUH?" you ask? Well if you aren't familiar with the term "crunchy" in the parenting world, it's a more natural, eco friendly, holistic way of parenting. Often paired with co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, non vaccinating, not letting baby cry, baby wearing, cloth diapering, baby food making, oh and plenty more, but I think you get my drift.

    So yeah.. Noah somewhat converted me. I have no idea how or why, but he did. Compare me to the mom I was with Claire and then with Noah and in some ways its like night and day. My love was all the same, of course but I did things differently.  I think some reasoning behind it was because I knew Noah was going to be my last so I wanted to try it a different way. Also with having 3 kids, making baby food, breastfeeding and cloth diapers just made sense and saved money. Then something happen. I actually started to like it.

   But here's the problem.. I'm not actually a "crunchy" mom. I'm kind of like a misfit here, living in my own little misfit land where I don't belong in the "Crunchy Mom" group, yet don't belong in the "I Think Crunchy Mom's are Crazy" group either. It seems you have to be one or the other- who knew?!

    Luckily as I am getting older (or maybe moreso since my kids are getting older) those labels aren't so defining, they don't seem to matter as much. But just tonight as I was slathering myself with coconut oil and drinking a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar and listening to my hippy music (lol, just kidding, I don't have hippy music.. or do I?) it just got to me. Why must we have labels? As moms we need support from each other so badly and while its so great to find others that have your interests, these labels make it so darn hard. Especially for a newer mom. At this point in my life as a mom I really don't give a what, but I did a few years ago. I was a impressionable young mom who didn't know what the heck she was doing and didn't really have any friends with kids. so every comment I heard about other labels really stuck with me.

Now I don't care much about these dumb labels and not feel pressure to be "crunchy" ..or smooth(??)  because I guess I'm a little bit of both. I have found (am finding) what works for me. And it's fun! These crunchy mom have a lot of neat-o ideas, and maybe, just maybe I can talk to them about how badly I want to have my own chickens in my backyard, (lol) without them looking at me like I'm crazy. But alas, I know I am not a crunchy mom. I'm just a mommy misfit. and that is Ok ! 

 To my fellow mommy misfits: let us break down those labels and just be moms that support and love eachother.. how about it?

"We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in! "

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sunscorched land and will strengthen your frame.
Isaiah 58:11

Hi, my name is Kara and I am not a perfect mom. And that's OK.

Phew, that feels good!

I think it's so important to remember that as much as a mom may seem her life is perfectly put together, somewhere she struggles. Some moms struggle more then others. Some struggles are in plain sight while others are better hidden. But we all struggle. We all have insecurities, worries and things we aren't very good at. I feel as though maybe my list of insecurities, worries and things I am not good at may just happen to be longer then the next mom but who really knows, because we have all gotten so very good at hiding. 

I have so many mommy friends that are such great mommies. Its important to remember they have their battles, their struggles as well. Its great to look at their good qualities and take notes, to become refreshed and learn something from them. It's also important to not compare yourself to them or be too hard on yourself. There is so much pressure to do everything right, to not screw up.  The thing is, we will screw up.. so many times. I often think that if I don't get this parenting thing right then there is a very good chance that I will screw up my child. That is A LOT of pressure!!

The thing is (and this is so important yet so easily forgotten) that it's not all on our shoulders, it's not supposed to be. We aren't alone, we don't hold our children's fate in our imperfect hands. We have help (breath sigh of relief) now if only we would let Him help us more.  This is my biggest struggle. Its not that I want to do it all myself, I will gladly accept help. I just selfishly get so caught up in my own life, my own struggles that I forget that there is God, just waiting for me to let Him in.


I have a challenge for myself.. I want to start every day with a prayer: offering God to help me parent. To stay organized, to not let anger and impatience get the best of me.  I want to end every day asking for forgiveness when I let laziness overcome my day, or let my anger show itself too quickly, too harshly. when I snap at my children for being too slow, or not learning their life lessons quick enough.  Lastly, I want to thank God for giving me a new day, a chance to have a fresh start.

I don't think it's bad to want to be better, I think its good to see these seemingly "perfect" mothers and take notes, I  really do. But it's important to remember that they have their struggles as well and that we have help, if we would just ask for it. we aren't doing this alone. Our children belong to God, we need to have Him help us parent them.

So when you are having a bad mom day, accept that this happens, because it WILL happen. It doesn't define you as a parent, it doesn't make you a bad mom, it make you a NORMAL mom. Remember tomorrow is always a new day. try to find a moment of peace and say a prayer. and remember you aren't alone.
 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Oh hey there.

   For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God.

Hebrews 3:4

 

  Hey! Its been awhile since we've seen each other ;) lets start this post off with a brief recap of my life the past few months..

   In the spring while living in South Carolina I had a big, sad moment of missing my family in PA. Knowing we would want to move within the year, but not knowing how or if Hubby will get a job that will relocate us, I started worrying.. and crying a lot.  Then I told myself to shape up, I don't need to worry about this stuff, I have a wonderful God that will worry about it for me!  Lucky me, huh?
So every night, or really any time I felt the worry creep up on me; (and boy did it like to creep up on me!) I said a prayer and reminded myself that God knows what he is doing, and that is enough.

  Come June, Hubby got a call telling him about a job that he may be interested in and it's about an hour and a half from "back home".  He gives them his resume in June he has a interview in July and in August he starts the job! God is GOOD! 

   I will gloss over the agonizing 2 weeks without Hubby while I was trying to deal with moving and 3 kids (thankfully we had movers help, but boy was it stressful with 3 kids and no husband!) yes, those two weeks are best not mentioned and altogether be forgotten about.

    Soo here we are living in a townhome temporarily.. making this home number...6? in our 7.5 years of being married.  And guess what?  We'll be moving AGAIN in the spring! Only WAIT! this home will be our home that we lay our roots down.  It will be OURS.  I'm so very excited. We will be a half hour closer to "home" making it almost exactly an hour away. It's funny how I used think living 20 minutes from my parents was so painfully far away.  After moving 11 hours away from them, I am happy to be soon living an hour away.  I am just very grateful that I have parents and In-Laws that I so badly WANT to live near! We are so very lucky for that!

   I can't wait to go on this journey of seeing our house being built and decorating it, exploring our new 'hood. There has already been many things along the way to stress me out but it's still fun and darn it, I will not let it get the best of me!  It almost did, but I just have to refocus and take a break sometimes.

  I know I have been annoying people about my dilemmas with the house: paint colors.. floors, cabinets, counter tops- ugh.  So hopefully I can just stop all that blabbering and keep the house talk to here on my blog as not to annoy anyone else.  That is except for a few that are closest to me, they will have to endure it all, sadly. (sorry hubby, mom and my dear W.S. friends - you know who you are :)

So if you are interested, stay tuned! If not.. I'll let you know when it's safe to come by again :)

XO

Dear Diary..

      I'll let you in on an (embarrassing) secret: I have been running for over a year, wanting to be able to run a 5K and I still can not run 3 miles without being in pure exhaustion. "Well Kara, why?  A year is more then plenty of time to train!", you may say (or think).  You know what?  I am not sure why.  But I'll tell you this much, something is stirring inside of me. something is stripping  me to my core and really getting to me. Something is making me totally and utterly break down in tears after my runs. And I have a hunch that running isn't what is causing it, but running is exposing it.

I want to be good at things. I can honestly say that I don't think I am good at one thing in my life. I am OK at some things, I do very well with things sometimes, but I am not, nor have I have ever been consistently good at anything. I keep hearing that God gives everyone a gift. I can't help but give a sour little laugh when I hear that. What's my gift?  Maybe if I consistently followed Jesus and gave my life to Him better than I do, my eyes would be open to that gift that I guess I must have somewhere hidden inside of myself.  But we all know I'm not very good at following through with things (oh, you didn't know? Well now you do!) so being the "Good Christan" I need and so want to be is so very hard for me at times.

When I discover something, I get excited about it and want to do it, but in a matter of time I just stop. I never finish what I start. Everyone knows this about me, My husband , my parents. They don't say it to me, they don't put me down or remind me about it, they are far too kind and good to do that, but it's something that we all know about me and it's really just hanging over my head at all times.  It's almost as though I don't want to bother to start anything if I know I won't finish it. It gets hard and I stop. I don't push on, I figure it's just one of those things I'm not good at. I let these things hold me back.  I'm scared of embarrassing myself and most of all, I'm scared of failure.  I'm realizing that I'm not going to have anything I want if I don't allow myself to fail. But I'm scared. I feel like I have failed at enough. I'm not really sure if I can do it any more. I hear about people that have learning disabilities and they overcome it, they work hard and fight and work through it.. and I wonder HOW?  How do you not let that stop you? If you have a brain that feels like it's working against you, holding you back from understanding things that everyone else understands, how do you keep on going?  How do you work past that? This has been bothering me so much lately. There are things I really want to do in my life but I just feel like it's not worth the struggle. I've been through the struggle and I have failed miserably. I just don't want to go through that again.  And so here I am, wanting so much that is out there, wanting to grasp it and make it mine, yet only have what is right here with me and nothing more.

If I can make my legs and my lungs do what feels impossible, then maybe, just maybe I can make my brain work and do things I didn't think it could do as well. I just need to give myself the dedication, I need to be strong and know that it's going to be hard, I may fail at times and I may even embarrass myself.  If I try hard enough, maybe then I can do it.


And so my dear friend; we'll call him Running, is teaching me something. I don't like what he has to say to me most times. He's saying "It's going to be tough. It's not always fun, and you might even embarrass yourself. But you CAN do it.. do you want it enough to handle the bad that goes with the good?" And so I ignore him for awhile, kind mad at him. Why can't it be easier?  Why must I struggle?  But in the end, I know he's right. And honestly I think he knows more about me than I know about myself.
And you just thought running was a sport?  Yeah I did too, until I became involved.

getting ready

So I'm up, taking a break from folding laundry.
We are anticipating the big trip to Pennsylvania early Friday morning. Call me crazy but I love the drive.. well kinda..right up until about when it's about 5/6 hours in and I realize we are now only half way after all this time. But then it gets exciting again after another 100 miles..I count down by 100 miles. It's amazing how fast 100 miles can go when you have a movie for the kids to watch, food in every one's belly and a nice conversation with the husband or my nook in hand. It's actually quite nice sometimes. I love love LOVE the first hour of being on the road. the quiet sneaking around in the completely dark, getting everything ready. Everyone in the neighborhood is asleep but us.   Mentions of seeing nana and pap-pap to get the kids moving.. we whisper and sneak around; careful not to make a disturbance. and then on the road we go.. Maybe we'll see a headlight here and there but mostly we are alone and the air feels so thick of darkness, the quiet excitement.  I don't know, maybe I'm the only crazy one in the family that feels this way, but I love it. I love driving and watching the sun start to peek through, I love the routines we have down to make the long ride easier. I love that we now have a VAN with a dvd player!  I know we'll have screaming and fighting and whining, but right now I want to relish in the pleasures of driving for 10-12 hours with 3 kids, 5 and under. I am wondering how it will be for Noah. He is getting older and much more vocal in what he doesn't like. This shall be interesting! Also we have decided to forward face him. now. I keep battling myself on this issue. I really wanted to wait until he was 2, since it is now recommended and such a simple step to keep him safe. but I do think we need to do it for this trip and I'll see how it goes after that. He will be 2 in Feb so it's not too far away.
So yes, as I was saying, I am folding the never ending pile of laundry. Packing and cleaning the house is the worst part of the tri to Pennsylvaina, not including teary good byes to loved ones yet again, knowing you'll see them again in 6 months.

I'm excited! not even for Christmas but for HOME! I can't believe I grew up here wanting to leave. As I got older I knew it was a great place to have a family and living somewhere else had confirmed that for me. It's  home, and nothing can ever change that for me.