I don't write about or mention Matt on my blog much; which I think he appreciates actually, but he's been on my mind lately (more then normal at least) and when something is on my heart and on my mind, I have to blog it.

It's just that it amazes me how much closer we've gotten, that I could ever be this close with someone. I think back to how we got engaged after dating for only 11 months when I was almost 21 years old. We were engaged for about 1 1/2 years before getting married. He still had one year of college to finish but we figured why wait, what difference will it make if we know we'll be together anyway?  So we get married in June. I found out I was pregnant October 24th.  I remember that day so clearly. The disbelief, the worry of how the heck are we going to do this, we clearly can't afford it! The fact that we are just getting to know each other as husband and wife, and now a baby? I wanted a baby soon after getting married, but was hoping to try after a year of marriage. I was a little excited but mainly scared and worried about how Matt would react. We have talked about baby stuff in the past and I know he mentioned that he (and us as a couple) were clearly not ready yet.  So I do what any women does when distressed: call my mom. Yes my mom was the first to find out. She consoled me until Matt came home later the day. So he comes home to my mom and I sitting down looking serious and worried .  My mom leaves and I start the conversation with "I have something to tell you that you aren't going to like"  HAHA! I can't believe I said it like that! The thoughts of what must have gone through the poor guys head! So after telling him, he sighs a huge sigh of relief and is.. get this.. actually excited!  So this begins our journey.

It's been tough at times. The first two years were especially hard on us as a married couple.. getting to know each other as a married couple while I have those pregnancy hormones, insecurities and all the other "wonderful" stuff that comes with pregnancy. Then we have this little baby neither one of us knows anything about, not much sleep, and awhole new dynamic of the house.. all this adding more stress. It was not easy at times. but we knew we had to and could do it

 6 1/2 years and 3 kids later and I look at my husband and I feel so lucky. I have seen him grow so much as a husband and a father. I am so proud of him and all he does.. for going to work every day to provide a pay check in order for us to live, working 2 jobs even once. I'm proud of the hard work he puts into h
is work, he doesn't just show up, he goes above and beyond and gives it his all, and it shows.  A father: I'm proud to see him with the kids.. He may not know this, but his patience is growing and I see the nurturing side of him coming out more then it ever has.  He is there for them. He bring out the silliness for them but can get serious too when needed. I'm proud!  As a husband: he lifts me up. As a couple we have learned the right way to fight, that when you fight it isn't a free for all- you don't try to hurt each others feeling and put them down, I'm lucky to have a husband that knows this and respects me, even when angry at me. He says he's sorry when it's needed: such a simple act but it does and means so much!   I can always count on him being here for me. 
I am so thankful that we both changed in the same ways, we changed together rather then growing apart because of the chaos.

I prayed for him before I even knew him. I knew God had a plan for me, I really had no idea what the plan was and was ready to accept it, no matter what that may may have been..but then I found him and knew right away Matt was God's plan for me.

Sometimes life is a struggle, other times it's easy and fun; but it's my life and it's with my husband and my three beautiful children and I am so unbelievably blessed by God


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There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company
than a good marriage.
~ Martin Luther ~

Dear Lord.. Why?

                                                 

   I have been long overdue for a good run.  I thought my soul needed it more then my body. This was confirmed when I tuned in to the Praise and Worship station on Pandora and was 5 steps in and started to cry. It's funny how running can do that to me, it just brings something out in me, a sort of outlet. I keep a lot inside in day to day life and when I run, I let go of a lot of things that have been bottling up. Most times I don't even have to let it go, but it just pours out uncontrollably.

    Sometimes it's so easy to feel somewhat wronged by God. You know He has a plan for you, you have other wants and plans, but it just doesn't always work out your way and it can HURT.  Sometimes things seem silly or unreasonable when you say it out loud. sometimes you might not even understand why you feel the way you do- it sure would be easier if you didn't feel this way..  Sometimes you just want to ask God "WHY?"  Why have you chosen this for me?

    During my run I have realized that I was praying the wrong prayer. Asking for something that is not in his plans. I need to ask to be at peace with what his plans for me.  Honestly I am not ready to do that yet. I feel as though that is giving up on a dream.. maybe a dream that makes no sense to anyone but me.. but it's my dream.  And when I do pray that He helps me to come to peace with His plans for me, I know the healing will start but I just can't do it yet. I know God is there just waiting to heal me.

 I'm glad my God is a patient God.

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10 Random Things About Emily

1. Every time I put Emily in the bath, about 5 minutes later I'll catch her cold, naked little dripping wet tush running around the house, scavenging for toys to bring in the tub. It cracks me up, it happens almost every time, no matter what i put in the tub with her.



2. When Emily has something she really wants to tell you, she'll gently yet firmly hold on your jaw and have you look her right in the eye and tell with a slow, steady whisper.

3. Emily doesn't say the word "don't" she instead says "not". As in, "I not like this" or "I not know"
     
4. Emily's hair. It's just like mine. Her hair will look beautiful but it will frustrate her as she gets older. She will wish hers held a curl like Claire's does. And I will be there to share that frustration, and remind her how beautiful and silky smooth her hair is, even if it doesn't hold any sort of style!

5. I love that Emily seems to have my body. I don't know why, I just do!

6. No matter how mean she can get, she has a real loving nurturing side as well. I used to think she was the little mommy of the house.  The terrible twos and threes changed that. Now that she's around 3 1/2, that little mommy is coming back out at times. Oh how I missed that side of her!
                                                                 

7. She loves to kill bugs though. She acts like she likes them but then eagerly smashes them. I have to stop her from going after the really big ones in the house because she is not that quick, and they'll get loose!

8. She loves to make friends and talk to kids. She'll just randomly talk to any kid. They don't always understand her, but that's OK!

9. Emily gets scared very easily. she doesn't like being picked up too high over your head or swung around. she doesn't like any movies that have scary parts.. such as Shrek, Toy Story 3, the 3rd Tinkerbell movie, pretty much all the princess movies scare her as well.


10.Emily is very hot and cold.. she is lovin life to the fullest or not lovin it at all. she was like this as a baby- a sweet, happy, smiley girl  or angry, screaming thrashing thing..

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a success. I still miss seeing a lot of our family but I got a little more used to it now that we've had a few holidays away from home under our belt.

I miss the loudness of family members yelling excitedly and laughing loudly. I miss how at my grandparents we eat then go in the living room to talk and drink coffee all while picking through the dessert table as we pass through the dinning room. I miss having cousins play together- they are just getting to that great age where they can really have fun together! I miss how at my in laws house I can count on some fun conversations being had! you can also count on football flashing across the tv screen. There are dogs running around, trying to hide from pestering children, or else they are resting in their crates from exhaustion of small kids running around (don't we know how that feels!) I even miss how I almost always bump my head on the light over the table. After so many times of eating dinner there, I still do it. And better yet, I act suprised afterwards. Yes, I miss you too, light fixture!

As much as I miss these things just so much more, I know I can't dwell on it. I need to look to the things going on right NOW. Today started off with princess movies but eventually we watched the parade. Claire fell asleep while watching it and cuddling with me.*love* This year was the first year that I made a meal that turned out well: everything was timed right and finished cooking at the same time and tasted pretty good! That is big for me! Timing is everything and I struggle with that! Today we went around to hear what we are thankful for and it melts my heart to hear Claire talk. What a sweet, wonderful big girl she is turning into! Later she asked me to cuddle and we did just that for awhile. Hearing her say a prayer of thanks tonight all on her own when I tucked her in was so special for me. I'm so happy to watch her grow, loving our Lord and eager to talk with Him.

It was a nice Thanksgiving and I hope everyone else hada great day as well!

..cookies..

Let me preface this by saying I am not good at cooking with my kids.  I want to be, but it's just hard for me. So..

I'm not sure why I chose today to be the day we make and decorate a few gingerbread cookies; The day I got little to no sleep and running on empty with a husband not around to help.. but I did.

I had to remind myself a few times to keep my cool.. just let it go, stop freaking out, just let them have fun..

admittedly it was not a good idea to do it tonight but it passed the time and most importantly the kids loved it, so I guess that's all that matters. Next time I hope to enjoy it with them, but now that it's over I realize it wasn't so bad.

with the exception of those tiny sprinkles that have managed to get everywhere and I still feel them on the bottom of my feet even though I swept the floor 5 times.

 My kids can drive me crazy at times but man, they warm my heart more then I ever realized was possible.

I'm so lucky.

 

   Ok, I said I was gonna do so here I am- I'm bringing it back. My blog, that is! So here is my feeble attempt to give this a go. 
   Things got a bit crazy over the summer. Not that I expected any less. It was hot and we were in the house trying to keep cool, yet going stir crazy. Not to mention Emily was in the worst of the whole terrible twos thing and it was bad!  School is here now and Claire is in school from 8:00- 2:30 and Emily is in school every other day form 9:00-12:00.. and that leaves me with not just a lot of running around and picking up/ dropping off, but also a chance to catch my breath. Of course I seem to waste this time by doing nothing constructive or worth while. Keep in mind I still have a very busy 20 month old with me at all times, which is pretty nice to have him to myself a little bit! I figure now I am a few months into school. I got my chance to slack off a bit  (haha. yeah.) now it's time to buckle down and do some things that need to be done or do things that I want to do but find laziness as an excuse not to do them. Writing my blog is one of those things on my list but more things I want to get better at follows:

Devotions/time with God every day. I try to do this but it just doesn't always happen and that needs to change. I also want to start a prayer list. I always mean to do that but it never happened

First thing in the morning I will put in a load of laundry and then wash, fold and put away a load of laundry a day (not including the diapers, which i tend to wash at night) I have clothes separated in 3 baskets and whichever is fullest gets washed. Sometimes I don't get to the folding/putting away until the kids are sleeping.. sometimes it gets done the next day  (shhhh)

Clean each room in the house for 10-15 minutes. This should happen on a Tuesday probably. I tend to do best when working against the clock so it's pretty amazing what I can get done when I set a timer for 15 minutes and get to cleaning! the timer goes off and I stop what I'm doing and don't look back until next time.

Going to bed earlier. I stay up way too late!! It's my "me time" and I need it. Yet I ruin  myself the whole next day when I am exhausted and feeling like I can't do a thing. Also my temper seems to come out more often. I NEED to get more sleep. So if you see me on facebook or pinterest at 12 or 1.. maybe even 2am.. (yeah, it happens) tell me to go to bed!

Now that I am going to be much more rested, I also want to start running in the morning. It would be so much easier to do that and get it out of the way because if I don't, then it tends to get pushed in the back of the To Do list.

This stuff seems so simple right? So why is it so hard for me? I can't blame it all on having 3 small kids (But I just might, because that is much easier) I am just not the most motivated person, so I need to start small, although this really isn't that small for me.

This is my commitment, my promise to myself. I will do this for one month and then see just how much happier and put together I feel. I'll let y'all know around December 9th

My Claire

I pray you have the strength to ask questions
That you have the heart to help others who need a hug
The courage to stand up for what you believe in
And the guidance to pick out good friends

Day three of kindergarten and I cried more today then ever. Maybe it's because today I am also meeting Emily's preschool and I am realizing how big both of my kids are getting. However, I think the fact that this is really happening, she is really in school now and won't get out until she is all grown is hitting me. Now the days will really zip by, if they haven't already zipped by fast enough. It's sinking in and becoming reality. I have a way of blocking my emotions in an event that usually causes tears (such as when I gave birth or got married) it just never seems real until after the fact and then it hits me... Hard. I am realizing this event is no different. Now that the chaos of the first day of school is gone, my head is clearing and focusing on my little girl growing up.

I wait in the car drop off line- ok, we're up! Claire gets out "Gimme a kiss,Claire!" I yell out in a panicky voice as she is starting to get out of the car- I can't miss a kiss this morning! I get my kiss and look at her as she looks so small in front of this huge school, surrounded by a ton of kids going where they need to go. A voice in my head shouts, "She's too little! She's not ready!"
"Of course she is ready, just look at her." The calm and cool person inside of me tells the crazed, panicked side.

"just ask a teacher for help, if you don't know where to go!" I shout out the door before I drive off. That is the hardest part of my day;driving away. I wonder is she too scared to ask for help like I was as a kid? Is she just walking around the giant school, feeling overwhelmed and lost? Did she make it to class on time?

I hate that part. But I look at her face and see it in her eyes: I see the uncertainty for sure, I see a little bit of fear, but what I see overriding all of that is her courage. I see this proud, excited little girl standing in front of the school, not really sure what to do but not really letting that unknown bother her either. I see a strong little girl.

"She is her father's daughter!" I think to myself and I know she'll be just fine. That's when the tears start. So many feelings at once: relief to know she will be just fine, pride because I see such a brave person in the form of a kindergartener. And then my own sadness of realizing that this time has come to an end. She is in school now. I was with her for five years and now I have to loosen my grip- just a little.