"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dear Diary..

      I'll let you in on an (embarrassing) secret: I have been running for over a year, wanting to be able to run a 5K and I still can not run 3 miles without being in pure exhaustion. "Well Kara, why?  A year is more then plenty of time to train!", you may say (or think).  You know what?  I am not sure why.  But I'll tell you this much, something is stirring inside of me. something is stripping  me to my core and really getting to me. Something is making me totally and utterly break down in tears after my runs. And I have a hunch that running isn't what is causing it, but running is exposing it.

I want to be good at things. I can honestly say that I don't think I am good at one thing in my life. I am OK at some things, I do very well with things sometimes, but I am not, nor have I have ever been consistently good at anything. I keep hearing that God gives everyone a gift. I can't help but give a sour little laugh when I hear that. What's my gift?  Maybe if I consistently followed Jesus and gave my life to Him better than I do, my eyes would be open to that gift that I guess I must have somewhere hidden inside of myself.  But we all know I'm not very good at following through with things (oh, you didn't know? Well now you do!) so being the "Good Christan" I need and so want to be is so very hard for me at times.

When I discover something, I get excited about it and want to do it, but in a matter of time I just stop. I never finish what I start. Everyone knows this about me, My husband , my parents. They don't say it to me, they don't put me down or remind me about it, they are far too kind and good to do that, but it's something that we all know about me and it's really just hanging over my head at all times.  It's almost as though I don't want to bother to start anything if I know I won't finish it. It gets hard and I stop. I don't push on, I figure it's just one of those things I'm not good at. I let these things hold me back.  I'm scared of embarrassing myself and most of all, I'm scared of failure.  I'm realizing that I'm not going to have anything I want if I don't allow myself to fail. But I'm scared. I feel like I have failed at enough. I'm not really sure if I can do it any more. I hear about people that have learning disabilities and they overcome it, they work hard and fight and work through it.. and I wonder HOW?  How do you not let that stop you? If you have a brain that feels like it's working against you, holding you back from understanding things that everyone else understands, how do you keep on going?  How do you work past that? This has been bothering me so much lately. There are things I really want to do in my life but I just feel like it's not worth the struggle. I've been through the struggle and I have failed miserably. I just don't want to go through that again.  And so here I am, wanting so much that is out there, wanting to grasp it and make it mine, yet only have what is right here with me and nothing more.

If I can make my legs and my lungs do what feels impossible, then maybe, just maybe I can make my brain work and do things I didn't think it could do as well. I just need to give myself the dedication, I need to be strong and know that it's going to be hard, I may fail at times and I may even embarrass myself.  If I try hard enough, maybe then I can do it.

And so my dear friend; we'll call him Running, is teaching me something. I don't like what he has to say to me most times. He's saying "It's going to be tough. It's not always fun, and you might even embarrass yourself. But you CAN do it.. do you want it enough to handle the bad that goes with the good?" And so I ignore him for awhile, kind mad at him. Why can't it be easier?  Why must I struggle?  But in the end, I know he's right. And honestly I think he knows more about me than I know about myself.
And you just thought running was a sport?  Yeah I did too, until I became involved.