"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

getting ready

So I'm up, taking a break from folding laundry.
We are anticipating the big trip to Pennsylvania early Friday morning. Call me crazy but I love the drive.. well kinda..right up until about when it's about 5/6 hours in and I realize we are now only half way after all this time. But then it gets exciting again after another 100 miles..I count down by 100 miles. It's amazing how fast 100 miles can go when you have a movie for the kids to watch, food in every one's belly and a nice conversation with the husband or my nook in hand. It's actually quite nice sometimes. I love love LOVE the first hour of being on the road. the quiet sneaking around in the completely dark, getting everything ready. Everyone in the neighborhood is asleep but us.   Mentions of seeing nana and pap-pap to get the kids moving.. we whisper and sneak around; careful not to make a disturbance. and then on the road we go.. Maybe we'll see a headlight here and there but mostly we are alone and the air feels so thick of darkness, the quiet excitement.  I don't know, maybe I'm the only crazy one in the family that feels this way, but I love it. I love driving and watching the sun start to peek through, I love the routines we have down to make the long ride easier. I love that we now have a VAN with a dvd player!  I know we'll have screaming and fighting and whining, but right now I want to relish in the pleasures of driving for 10-12 hours with 3 kids, 5 and under. I am wondering how it will be for Noah. He is getting older and much more vocal in what he doesn't like. This shall be interesting! Also we have decided to forward face him. now. I keep battling myself on this issue. I really wanted to wait until he was 2, since it is now recommended and such a simple step to keep him safe. but I do think we need to do it for this trip and I'll see how it goes after that. He will be 2 in Feb so it's not too far away.
So yes, as I was saying, I am folding the never ending pile of laundry. Packing and cleaning the house is the worst part of the tri to Pennsylvaina, not including teary good byes to loved ones yet again, knowing you'll see them again in 6 months.

I'm excited! not even for Christmas but for HOME! I can't believe I grew up here wanting to leave. As I got older I knew it was a great place to have a family and living somewhere else had confirmed that for me. It's  home, and nothing can ever change that for me.

Friday, December 16, 2011


  God works in wonderful ways. I graduated high school not having a clue what I wanted to do.  I got to watch my friends and classmates go off to college.  THEY had it all figured out. Not me.  I wasn't even close. Oh I interviewed and visited a few schools, desperately trying to figure it out, even trying to force myself to like a new plan I made up for myself. I would get excited about it but I knew my heart wasn't quite in it enough.

  My friends were all gone, I was lonely and not making quite the right choices in my life that I should have been making.. You could say I turned my back on God. I remember talking with God and saying "Ok I can take it from here now.. I'm not sure what your plans are for me, but it's starting to feel like you aren't really here for me after all."   It's no surprise that this was when things got really tough for me. I'm not even sure if I realized how low I have gotten but I was numb, and sad, and just not well.

   Looking back, I think I was just filling a void of uncertainty, maybe even shame that I didn't know what I was going to do in my life when it seemed like everyone had it figured out. I was lonely. I was sad and just a confused mess. I could go on and on about that time in my life. So many bad things happened yet it was one of the most important times in my life because I came out of it stronger then ever. More sure of myself  and sure of God and his love and plan for me. I got to a point where I said a prayer, asking for an answer about a guy I liked way more then I should have, another void I was filling I guess. I got that answer so loud and clear.  I realized God was there for me, just waiting for me. It took way too long but I did come back. I remember my dad telling me that I gave my heart God, he lives there in my heart, and there is nothing I can do to turn him away now. He's just waiting on me and ready for me to come back. That once I am a follower of Christ, I will not be forsaken, even when I mess up terribly and forget about Him. That is the beauty of it all.

I began to search. I read the Bible.. the book of Romans was a good one for me. I was highlighting, underlining and copying down so many verses that really just hit me.  My eyes were open and I felt like those words were written just for me.

I came to realize that God really has a plan for me. I had no idea what it might be but I need to trust in Him. I came to peace to the fact that maybe God's plan was for me to never get married.  Maybe His plan for me was to be stuck in a job that I didn't like for awhile. I had no idea but I was going to trust in Him and be happy knowing that He has that plan figured out, I don't need to figure it all out, I can just live my life and follow Jesus and do my best at what was handed to me at that moment.

Just 9 months after I came to peace with this realization, I met Matt. I knew very early on that it was something very special. Soon after becoming married, I got pregnant and be came a mother.

8 years have now passed since that hard time in my life. Now that I am a mother, I realize how much I love pregnancy,labor, birth, newborns, breastfeeding.. all of it.  I know when My kids get older I am going to want to work with pregnant women. How in the world would I have known that before? I needed to go through it all to realize how special it was to me. God had this plan for me, he knew what was in my heart even though I didn't know it at the time. Now I have to wait some more. Wait for my kids to get older so I can do that dream job that I have been searching for for so long. I am Ok with waiting some more. I know God is looking out for me now, and everything will come with time.

It's amazing the way He works. When I am having a hard time, I always think back to that troubled time in my life and I remember HE is there waiting for me, even when it doesn't feel like it. He has a plan for me, and it's a good plan.. a plan writen out just for me.

 These are just a few verses that I wrote down during that hard time.. you can just see what I was thinking or feeling as you read them. I'm so glad I recorded them to look back on when I need it.:

Romans 7:18-20
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Romans 12:2
 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 8:38-39
 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:15
 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.”

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Romans 6:21-22
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.

It's Time

    I realize it's time to sign up for a 5K. I think it's time to sign up and prove something to myself.

   Although I know I have ran 3 miles in the past, I have not been running like I should, 3 miles is now very very hard for me.  I did it before, and I know I can do it again with more practice.  The only way for me to have the motivation to improve is to sign up for a race. 
    I'm scared! I don't do this sort of thing and I am terrified. I hate to fail at things, I hate to mess up and not do a good job, which has made running really hard for me because I get so frustrated at myself when I don't do well, which for a beginner,  is something that happens often.  Instead of wanting to improve and keep working on it until I get better, the little voices inside tell me to just stop because I am not good at it,why bother do it?   I need to show those voices who's boss now! I need to stop letting my fear of failure get the best of me. I need to just try things, even if I'm not good at them. The fear of failing holds me back from trying so many things in life and that needs to change.
    I will be 29 years old in March. When I am older, I want to look back and feel like I have lived and have done things that in my heart I wanted to do.  So starting now I will start doing.  I will ignore those voices telling me I can't do it. Who cares if I'm not good at it?  Why should that stop me from trying? How will I get better if I don't try?  When I grow older, I want to love my life I lived, I want to feel proud of myself and what I have done.  Better yet, I want my kids to grow up and see that their mom wasn't holding herself back, wasn't scared. Well maybe she was scared.. being scared is normal and is ok, but letting the fear control you isn't good. How will I encourage my children to go out there and experience life if I can not do that for myself?

I want to enter my 30s and feel GOOD about ME.  So this year is the perfect time to start. I will run a race.. I will run a few races. Who know, maybe I'll even try to learn to play an instrument..  I have wanted to do that for so long, why notdo that as well?  After that.. who knows? There are so many things I have wanted to do but held myself back. Not anymore!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

St Nicholas Day

The merry family gatherings –
The old, the very young;
The strangely lovely way they
Harmonize in carols sung.
For Christmas is tradition time
Traditions that recall
The precious memories down the years,
The sameness of them all.

-Helen Lowrie Marshall

I wanted to post this a few days ago but had some trouble with the pics. Here was our St Nick day this year on Monday, December 6, 2011.
The girls awoke early and started to tear into the stockings.  Thankfully I woke up just in time to catch them and have them get dressed for school and eat breakfast first.

We have changed around the old tradition of finding candy or gifts in boots/shoes to stocking stuffers. We don't do stockings for Christmas but I still love stocking stuffers, so we do them for St Nicholas day now.


My aunt made that stocking holder a while ago for our family when I was a kid. I remember it from when I was younger and am so thankful to have to now, we really needed one and it's so pretty! Since Matt and I don't do stocking for each other and we only have three kids, I think we'll have to get our dog Sadie a stocking!

Here are a few pictures that morning. I was without coffee at this point so picture-taking was not high priority; sleep and/or coffee was.

                                               Sadie is getting in on the action, even

Emily with her loot laid all around her. (Still dark outside!)

We eventually had to wake Noah up. Clearly as you can see in this picture, getting presents was not as exciting for him as we imagined. The boy loves his sleep- can't blame him!

Friday, December 2, 2011

I don't write about or mention Matt on my blog much; which I think he appreciates actually, but he's been on my mind lately (more then normal at least) and when something is on my heart and on my mind, I have to blog it.

It's just that it amazes me how much closer we've gotten, that I could ever be this close with someone. I think back to how we got engaged after dating for only 11 months when I was almost 21 years old. We were engaged for about 1 1/2 years before getting married. He still had one year of college to finish but we figured why wait, what difference will it make if we know we'll be together anyway?  So we get married in June. I found out I was pregnant October 24th.  I remember that day so clearly. The disbelief, the worry of how the heck are we going to do this, we clearly can't afford it! The fact that we are just getting to know each other as husband and wife, and now a baby? I wanted a baby soon after getting married, but was hoping to try after a year of marriage. I was a little excited but mainly scared and worried about how Matt would react. We have talked about baby stuff in the past and I know he mentioned that he (and us as a couple) were clearly not ready yet.  So I do what any women does when distressed: call my mom. Yes my mom was the first to find out. She consoled me until Matt came home later the day. So he comes home to my mom and I sitting down looking serious and worried .  My mom leaves and I start the conversation with "I have something to tell you that you aren't going to like"  HAHA! I can't believe I said it like that! The thoughts of what must have gone through the poor guys head! So after telling him, he sighs a huge sigh of relief and is.. get this.. actually excited!  So this begins our journey.

It's been tough at times. The first two years were especially hard on us as a married couple.. getting to know each other as a married couple while I have those pregnancy hormones, insecurities and all the other "wonderful" stuff that comes with pregnancy. Then we have this little baby neither one of us knows anything about, not much sleep, and awhole new dynamic of the house.. all this adding more stress. It was not easy at times. but we knew we had to and could do it

 6 1/2 years and 3 kids later and I look at my husband and I feel so lucky. I have seen him grow so much as a husband and a father. I am so proud of him and all he does.. for going to work every day to provide a pay check in order for us to live, working 2 jobs even once. I'm proud of the hard work he puts into h
is work, he doesn't just show up, he goes above and beyond and gives it his all, and it shows.  A father: I'm proud to see him with the kids.. He may not know this, but his patience is growing and I see the nurturing side of him coming out more then it ever has.  He is there for them. He bring out the silliness for them but can get serious too when needed. I'm proud!  As a husband: he lifts me up. As a couple we have learned the right way to fight, that when you fight it isn't a free for all- you don't try to hurt each others feeling and put them down, I'm lucky to have a husband that knows this and respects me, even when angry at me. He says he's sorry when it's needed: such a simple act but it does and means so much!   I can always count on him being here for me. 
I am so thankful that we both changed in the same ways, we changed together rather then growing apart because of the chaos.

I prayed for him before I even knew him. I knew God had a plan for me, I really had no idea what the plan was and was ready to accept it, no matter what that may may have been..but then I found him and knew right away Matt was God's plan for me.

Sometimes life is a struggle, other times it's easy and fun; but it's my life and it's with my husband and my three beautiful children and I am so unbelievably blessed by God

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company
than a good marriage.
~ Martin Luther ~

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dear Lord.. Why?


   I have been long overdue for a good run.  I thought my soul needed it more then my body. This was confirmed when I tuned in to the Praise and Worship station on Pandora and was 5 steps in and started to cry. It's funny how running can do that to me, it just brings something out in me, a sort of outlet. I keep a lot inside in day to day life and when I run, I let go of a lot of things that have been bottling up. Most times I don't even have to let it go, but it just pours out uncontrollably.

    Sometimes it's so easy to feel somewhat wronged by God. You know He has a plan for you, you have other wants and plans, but it just doesn't always work out your way and it can HURT.  Sometimes things seem silly or unreasonable when you say it out loud. sometimes you might not even understand why you feel the way you do- it sure would be easier if you didn't feel this way..  Sometimes you just want to ask God "WHY?"  Why have you chosen this for me?

    During my run I have realized that I was praying the wrong prayer. Asking for something that is not in his plans. I need to ask to be at peace with what his plans for me.  Honestly I am not ready to do that yet. I feel as though that is giving up on a dream.. maybe a dream that makes no sense to anyone but me.. but it's my dream.  And when I do pray that He helps me to come to peace with His plans for me, I know the healing will start but I just can't do it yet. I know God is there just waiting to heal me.

 I'm glad my God is a patient God.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

10 Random Things About Emily

1. Every time I put Emily in the bath, about 5 minutes later I'll catch her cold, naked little dripping wet tush running around the house, scavenging for toys to bring in the tub. It cracks me up, it happens almost every time, no matter what i put in the tub with her.

2. When Emily has something she really wants to tell you, she'll gently yet firmly hold on your jaw and have you look her right in the eye and tell with a slow, steady whisper.

3. Emily doesn't say the word "don't" she instead says "not". As in, "I not like this" or "I not know"
4. Emily's hair. It's just like mine. Her hair will look beautiful but it will frustrate her as she gets older. She will wish hers held a curl like Claire's does. And I will be there to share that frustration, and remind her how beautiful and silky smooth her hair is, even if it doesn't hold any sort of style!

5. I love that Emily seems to have my body. I don't know why, I just do!

6. No matter how mean she can get, she has a real loving nurturing side as well. I used to think she was the little mommy of the house.  The terrible twos and threes changed that. Now that she's around 3 1/2, that little mommy is coming back out at times. Oh how I missed that side of her!

7. She loves to kill bugs though. She acts like she likes them but then eagerly smashes them. I have to stop her from going after the really big ones in the house because she is not that quick, and they'll get loose!

8. She loves to make friends and talk to kids. She'll just randomly talk to any kid. They don't always understand her, but that's OK!

9. Emily gets scared very easily. she doesn't like being picked up too high over your head or swung around. she doesn't like any movies that have scary parts.. such as Shrek, Toy Story 3, the 3rd Tinkerbell movie, pretty much all the princess movies scare her as well.

10.Emily is very hot and cold.. she is lovin life to the fullest or not lovin it at all. she was like this as a baby- a sweet, happy, smiley girl  or angry, screaming thrashing thing..

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Thanksgiving was a success. I still miss seeing a lot of our family but I got a little more used to it now that we've had a few holidays away from home under our belt.

I miss the loudness of family members yelling excitedly and laughing loudly. I miss how at my grandparents we eat then go in the living room to talk and drink coffee all while picking through the dessert table as we pass through the dinning room. I miss having cousins play together- they are just getting to that great age where they can really have fun together! I miss how at my in laws house I can count on some fun conversations being had! you can also count on football flashing across the tv screen. There are dogs running around, trying to hide from pestering children, or else they are resting in their crates from exhaustion of small kids running around (don't we know how that feels!) I even miss how I almost always bump my head on the light over the table. After so many times of eating dinner there, I still do it. And better yet, I act suprised afterwards. Yes, I miss you too, light fixture!

As much as I miss these things just so much more, I know I can't dwell on it. I need to look to the things going on right NOW. Today started off with princess movies but eventually we watched the parade. Claire fell asleep while watching it and cuddling with me.*love* This year was the first year that I made a meal that turned out well: everything was timed right and finished cooking at the same time and tasted pretty good! That is big for me! Timing is everything and I struggle with that! Today we went around to hear what we are thankful for and it melts my heart to hear Claire talk. What a sweet, wonderful big girl she is turning into! Later she asked me to cuddle and we did just that for awhile. Hearing her say a prayer of thanks tonight all on her own when I tucked her in was so special for me. I'm so happy to watch her grow, loving our Lord and eager to talk with Him.

It was a nice Thanksgiving and I hope everyone else hada great day as well!

Monday, November 14, 2011


Let me preface this by saying I am not good at cooking with my kids.  I want to be, but it's just hard for me. So..

I'm not sure why I chose today to be the day we make and decorate a few gingerbread cookies; The day I got little to no sleep and running on empty with a husband not around to help.. but I did.

I had to remind myself a few times to keep my cool.. just let it go, stop freaking out, just let them have fun..

admittedly it was not a good idea to do it tonight but it passed the time and most importantly the kids loved it, so I guess that's all that matters. Next time I hope to enjoy it with them, but now that it's over I realize it wasn't so bad.

with the exception of those tiny sprinkles that have managed to get everywhere and I still feel them on the bottom of my feet even though I swept the floor 5 times.

 My kids can drive me crazy at times but man, they warm my heart more then I ever realized was possible.
I'm so lucky.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

   Ok, I said I was gonna do so here I am- I'm bringing it back. My blog, that is! So here is my feeble attempt to give this a go. 
   Things got a bit crazy over the summer. Not that I expected any less. It was hot and we were in the house trying to keep cool, yet going stir crazy. Not to mention Emily was in the worst of the whole terrible twos thing and it was bad!  School is here now and Claire is in school from 8:00- 2:30 and Emily is in school every other day form 9:00-12:00.. and that leaves me with not just a lot of running around and picking up/ dropping off, but also a chance to catch my breath. Of course I seem to waste this time by doing nothing constructive or worth while. Keep in mind I still have a very busy 20 month old with me at all times, which is pretty nice to have him to myself a little bit! I figure now I am a few months into school. I got my chance to slack off a bit  (haha. yeah.) now it's time to buckle down and do some things that need to be done or do things that I want to do but find laziness as an excuse not to do them. Writing my blog is one of those things on my list but more things I want to get better at follows:

Devotions/time with God every day. I try to do this but it just doesn't always happen and that needs to change. I also want to start a prayer list. I always mean to do that but it never happened

First thing in the morning I will put in a load of laundry and then wash, fold and put away a load of laundry a day (not including the diapers, which i tend to wash at night) I have clothes separated in 3 baskets and whichever is fullest gets washed. Sometimes I don't get to the folding/putting away until the kids are sleeping.. sometimes it gets done the next day  (shhhh)

Clean each room in the house for 10-15 minutes. This should happen on a Tuesday probably. I tend to do best when working against the clock so it's pretty amazing what I can get done when I set a timer for 15 minutes and get to cleaning! the timer goes off and I stop what I'm doing and don't look back until next time.

Going to bed earlier. I stay up way too late!! It's my "me time" and I need it. Yet I ruin  myself the whole next day when I am exhausted and feeling like I can't do a thing. Also my temper seems to come out more often. I NEED to get more sleep. So if you see me on facebook or pinterest at 12 or 1.. maybe even 2am.. (yeah, it happens) tell me to go to bed!

Now that I am going to be much more rested, I also want to start running in the morning. It would be so much easier to do that and get it out of the way because if I don't, then it tends to get pushed in the back of the To Do list.

This stuff seems so simple right? So why is it so hard for me? I can't blame it all on having 3 small kids (But I just might, because that is much easier) I am just not the most motivated person, so I need to start small, although this really isn't that small for me.

This is my commitment, my promise to myself. I will do this for one month and then see just how much happier and put together I feel. I'll let y'all know around December 9th

Thursday, September 8, 2011

My Claire

I pray you have the strength to ask questions
That you have the heart to help others who need a hug
The courage to stand up for what you believe in
And the guidance to pick out good friends

Day three of kindergarten and I cried more today then ever. Maybe it's because today I am also meeting Emily's preschool and I am realizing how big both of my kids are getting. However, I think the fact that this is really happening, she is really in school now and won't get out until she is all grown is hitting me. Now the days will really zip by, if they haven't already zipped by fast enough. It's sinking in and becoming reality. I have a way of blocking my emotions in an event that usually causes tears (such as when I gave birth or got married) it just never seems real until after the fact and then it hits me... Hard. I am realizing this event is no different. Now that the chaos of the first day of school is gone, my head is clearing and focusing on my little girl growing up.

I wait in the car drop off line- ok, we're up! Claire gets out "Gimme a kiss,Claire!" I yell out in a panicky voice as she is starting to get out of the car- I can't miss a kiss this morning! I get my kiss and look at her as she looks so small in front of this huge school, surrounded by a ton of kids going where they need to go. A voice in my head shouts, "She's too little! She's not ready!"
"Of course she is ready, just look at her." The calm and cool person inside of me tells the crazed, panicked side.

"just ask a teacher for help, if you don't know where to go!" I shout out the door before I drive off. That is the hardest part of my day;driving away. I wonder is she too scared to ask for help like I was as a kid? Is she just walking around the giant school, feeling overwhelmed and lost? Did she make it to class on time?

I hate that part. But I look at her face and see it in her eyes: I see the uncertainty for sure, I see a little bit of fear, but what I see overriding all of that is her courage. I see this proud, excited little girl standing in front of the school, not really sure what to do but not really letting that unknown bother her either. I see a strong little girl.

"She is her father's daughter!" I think to myself and I know she'll be just fine. That's when the tears start. So many feelings at once: relief to know she will be just fine, pride because I see such a brave person in the form of a kindergartener. And then my own sadness of realizing that this time has come to an end. She is in school now. I was with her for five years and now I have to loosen my grip- just a little.

Friday, August 12, 2011

A Parenting Do-Over

      Lately we have been having the kids sneak in our beds at night. And believe it or not, just this simple act has caused me much confusion concerning the way I parent. I am curious as to how I would raise my kids if I could erase all the books and info on parenting I have stored in my head, What would I do differently and how would that affect me (us) now?

      When I compare what I did with Claire to now Noah , I realize there is a significant difference. I don't feel as though one way was more superior then the other, although I will admit that I have made more bad choices with Claire for the reason the she was my first and I had no idea what I was doing. Oh how I deeply wish I could redo just a few things I have done.. but such is life, and I suspect I will have many more of those moments to come.

     So as I was saying earlier, I have been having 2 adorable little monsters, one in particular (Emily), sneaking into our bed at night/early morning. Who knew this would cause me to think and rethink and be so confused? In my mind, when I let one of those stinkin cute monkeys crawl in bed, I feel a bit like a failure as a parent, I'm not doing my job, which should be to teach them to be confident and secure enough to sleep in their own bed at night. Instead I am a slacker mom who is too tired to get out of bed and talk to her and teach her to sleep in her bed. What a terrible mom I must be!! That's when it hit me: there are other moms having their kids sneak in their beds, most likely at the same time as mine are in mine; and maybe these moms are telling their child to go back to their own bed and as the child reluctantly turns around, this mom feels the guilt of not being there for her child, for letting her child down and how lonely that child must feel!

     I am going to try and put these ideas that are swirling around in my head to rest and not think about what I 'should' do but look at each moment with a clean slate and new mind. After reading so many ideas and different parenting styles, it's very confusing up here in my head and I sort of need a do-over before I lose it! You know what, I actually don't mind all that much if a child sneaks into my bed a few times at night, some times I actually (gasp!) enjoy cuddling with them at that time. Sometimes I wish we had a larger bed, but that doesn't mean I hate sharing, I just hate having feet in my face. Then again, there are times when I or Matt would rather them go back to their own bed and so then we simply tell them to go back to bed. Why must I make it so hard on myself?

    If I could do it over again, I would have read the Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg and stopped there. So a word to new parents: It's ok to read a parenting book but don't read too many and even when you read one, sometimes you have to forget it altogether and just do what feels right! And just because it feels right to you, doesn't mean it feels right to another mom and guess what? That is ok and that is what makes us different!

I understand that most parents or soon-to-be parents probably know this, but I am the type of person that wants  to do everything perfectly and correctly which in return messes me up way more in the long run.

 It only took me 5 years and 3 kids to get this, lol.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Make Something Monday

So as this summer is winding down, I realized it's not too late to start something fun while we still have 4 more weeks of summer left- 4 weeks is still a lot!

Today is Make Something Monday. I had to search around online to find something that we could make because I am just not naturally creative and thankfully there are thousands of people online who are!

Make a face on a paper plate

Glue eight strips of construction paper folded accordion-style to the paper plate to make legs (and yes, Claire is sitting on the table)

Glue beads, paperclips, pennies- anything to add a bit of weight- to the ends of the legs

poke a hole in the middle of the plate and tie string through so you can make your spider  'walk'

and there you go!

Claire loved her spider!  Emily loved it at first but after not even 5 minutes, she got upset and riped it to shreds. : /  Typical Emily.

 Either way, it took up some time and kept them busy! I cut out and folded up the legs ahead of time and I used hot glue because it dries quicker but the problem with that is that they couldn't help with the gluing process because it was too hot.. or maybe them not gluing things isn't a problem, I don't know..

Saturday, August 6, 2011

C'mon, pull yourself together!!

She's going to Kindergarten soon and I'm getting REALLY sad. Maybe it's all the school shopping that I have been doing and her back to school the hair cut. This is big kid stuff- I remember doing this. This is the first time in years that the end of summer means something to me. What an odd feeling.

It's kicking in so bad right now, I mean it.  It's my baby, my BABY!  I can't possibly expect anyone to understand just how I am feeling, but I know some of you do. 

Here is a poem I found, I have no idea who wrote it but man did it make me cry:

I wonder what you are doing right now,
and if everyone is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person,
I nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teachers know
just how special you are to me.
and if the brightness of your heart
is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,
and if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice
and how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you could possibly understand
How hard it is for me to let you grow
On this day know that my heart breaks,
For this is the first step in letting my baby go

September 6th is the big day. Mix that with Emily going to preschool for the first time..  oye!
I am being a big girl and acting excited and happy with her but I'm crumbling inside

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

8 Fears

eight fears..

death- of me or someone I love

large things- I actually found out that it's a 'phobia'  Megalophobia- look it up! i freak out over expanses of earth, nuclear power plants, and quarries to name a few and want to either scream, cry, throw up, or all three. Go to google maps and chose satellite and and zoom out of a forest, river or ocean.. yeah that I can not handle.

bugs- yeah, I know, I'm such a girl. It's gotten wore with every year

blood/needles- tattoos and piercings don't really count, they are more of a thrill.. but bloodwork and shots- YIKES!!!

making phone calls. - I know, I know,. but I REALLY hate doing it, it freaks me out

meeting new people- I want to meet new people but it's scary to me

failing-  If I don't think it's something I can't do, then I just stop trying to do it. If I'm not perfect, then I don't even want to try it. I NEED to get over that!

ghosts or people breaking into my house-  mainly when Matt isn't here. I can't even take a shower or blow dry my hair with out freaking out that someone is in the same room

Honestly, this list could go on and on.. I am scared of EVERYTHING! I can't even watch a scary movie trailer- no lie, I really can't. and if I do, you better believe I am making Matt go in the bathroom with me when I have to pee. I just typed the first 8 things that came to my mind

Monday, August 1, 2011

Nine Loves

Day 2: Nine Loves

my family



the smell of honeysuckle in the air on summer evenings


running and pushing myself beyond what I think possible

time to myself

pregnant bellies, births, newborns, breastfeeding- the whole shabang

my hometown

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 secrets

I haven't been blogging for awhile now and I am having a difficult time getting back into it. After reading my friend Sarah's blog and how she started doing the 10 day you challenge to get back into blogging, I figure that I might as well try it too! I have a feeling it may end up harder then I think.

So here goes nothing.

10 Secrets About Me

1. I really enjoy the kid's Disney show Good Luck Charlie.  To the point where I saw a new episode was coming on and I make a point to turn it on that channel- and the kids were sleeping. I used to hide it from Matt but now I just embrace it.

2. I went through a 'rough patch' when I was about 18 years old. Not my proudest days and a lot of sadness and darkness but yet it's what made me who I am now.

3. I got cited with underage drinking when I was 18 (see #2) I almost didn't post this because I really am not proud of that, but then I thought who I was then is not who I am now and that dark moment in my life is actually what helped me to turn around and see some light, so I need to own that.

4. I wanted to be a mom of 3 or 4 boys (This was before I had any kids. God usually has different plans)

5. I have dyscalculia.  I had no idea that is what it was when I was school I always just felt stupid and let that get to me with academics in general but now I know that I wasn't stupid after all and I wish I didn't let it affect me the way it did (and still does) Claire is pretty good with math and knows her left and rights better then me (yes, I still mix those up way more then a 28 yr old should.) I think she will be OK. Emily concerns me though, just because she is so much more like me.

6. I am not a good parent all the time. Sometimes(a lot of time) I don't play with the kids (right now Noah is napping and the girls are exploring outside with umbrellas and book bags filled with their lunch- and I am in the house typing this --I am right at the sliding doors so I can see and hear them at least--) I don't think I am as involved as I could be with their play. I feel guilty about this a lot. but I really do get bored playing with them all the time!

7. Don't upset me or you WILL pay!  haha. I am sweet. I really am. I am not bothered by much, I get along with a lot of people. People that some that others don't even get along with. I guess at times I am a pushover even, but if I feel strong enough and I feel very serious about something or very wronged, it will not be good. It takes a lot to upset me like that, but if I am, I am VERY good at just cutting you out of my life and washing my hands clean of you!

8. We have 2 pet rats, Lucy and Cuckoo. This is a secret because I told myself and Matt that that we would not get any more small animals, but we did. I guess in a way I didn't want to fully admit it to myself that we do have them, because that would indeed make us officially an animal farm. I haven't told anyone but now it's a good time to announce it! I really like them, one is litter trained and the other one, well we are working on it! Rats are great pets for kids- the best rodents you could have!

9. I am the biggest procrastinator. Well this is truly no secret to anyone that really knows me. I really am terrible at it, so much so that if I am not careful, it can affect my life.

10. I am impulsive (see #8).  This is usually a bad thing but I have heard some say it can be good. I would like to see how.

So that is me and I make no apologies for it!

Next time I write, it was be 9 Loves- I have a feeling that one will be much easier!

Have a lovely day and I hope to see YOU do the day '10 Day You Challenge' as well!

Friday, June 24, 2011

I am trying to get back into things here! Now that summer is here and I have all three kids with me, it's hard to find the time to do anything such as clean, run, much less work on my blog. I think it's going to take time to figure out my new summer schedule and by the time I figure it out, school will be starting and I will have to figure out something new since I'll have a child in kindergarten and one in preschool every other day.

I need to get motivated and I know I really need to learn to WAKE UP BEFORE THE KIDS.  But it is so hard to do!   I could get a lot done if I could wake up earlier. Too bad they don't wake up at 8:00 anymore, it would have been much easier!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Six years ago I was in South York , PA in my apartment. I belive I was in my bed with my best friend, my maid of Honor, Ang. My bridesmaids in the next room sleeping. I was so lucky to have such great girls near me and supporting me the night before my wedding!

Rewind about 1 and a half years..

It's winter time. I'm 19 years old, and living  in west York, with my parents. My brothers friend is visiting. I run/bounce down the stairs and practically fall as I open the door and enter the kitchen.  I see a guy with his (ex?) girlfriend. If only I knew that guy was going to change my whole life.

June 18th we will be married for 6 years. While I know 6 years isn't much, I feel like we have gone through quite a lot. We have gotten pregnant just a few months after getting married, having Claire just a few weeks after our first anniversary. We have had a child about every other year since then. We have moved 4 times and one of those times was completely away from all family and friends, 600 miles away from the life that we knew. In those 6 years we have gone through some hard times and some really wonderful times too.  I can confidently say that I love him more now then I ever have. I won't say these 6 years have all been easy but I wouldn't trade them for anything because I have learned much more then I could imagine. More about myself, more about what a family means. I am not the same person as I was before, and that is a good thing. 

I couldn't have picked a more opposite person from me. If you pick a trait about me, most likely Matt will be opposite. But what meshes so well is our core values, our morals, and beliefs and that is the glue that has held us together and kept our bond stronger then ever. Without him I would be less, I wouldn't have been pushed, I wouldn't have learned. I truly believe that we are perfect for each other. We teach each other and learn from each other all the time. 

I often think of that wintery day when I opened the door and saw him for the first time.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Here are just a few Claire-isms. I'll have to write more as I get them she makes me laugh! :

"Is she real?" (talking about Selena Gomez) "Does she live on the TV or on Earth?"

Me: I'm going to go and make myself look all pretty (I was getting ready to go out)
Claire: Yeah, you don't look too pretty.. but you look great for summer camp

"Every girl in the world is pretty. And every boy is pretty .. I mean every boy is cool"

"Mom, I'm going to marry Noah, because I love him"

Friday, March 18, 2011

Leprechauns Don't Visit Us

Yesterday Claire was telling us all about Leprechauns: they are as big as your thumb, did ya know? I was told that about 45 times. Also, if you don't put your toys away, they will play with them at night and if you don't do your dishes, they will do them (sounds like a good deal to me!) they make food for you and leave coins around you house. Her friend Hailey got a few coins and she gave one to Claire. Claire seemed a little sad that the Leprechaun didn't seem to come to our house. Really? we need to do another thing that involves tricking our kids into believing in something that isn't real? I have no problem if parents want to do this but I really have a hard time doing it, myself. Call me lazy, call me cynical, call me anything you want, and maybe you're right.. but I still hate it.. how about just enjoying the day without having to be sneaky about it? I hate the whole Santa thing, I don't tell Claire he's real but I don't tell her he isn't real either, I think she'll figure it out on her own. and if she asks me, I will give her an honest answer. It just stresses me out to think someday I may have to tell her it's all fake.. She knows the real meaning, and that is what am most concerned about. I know I'll have the same problem with the Easter Bunny. It annoys me to keep up this pretend thing. But the Leprechaun? no. we are just not doing that. Maybe if we were Irish, but we aren't. She was talking about her friends and how the leprechaun visited her. Matt then blatantly says out loud, "You know, Hailey is probably Irish, that is why the Leprechaun visits her. he doesn't visit you, you're Dutch." way to be graceful about it Matt! So I try to intervene with..."but you get to celebrate St Nicolas day, and other kids probably don't get to celebrate that!" She was a bit upset by this..but then she decided that she still believes in the Leprechaun afterall and I'm happy to say we didn't damage her too much after this conversation...that's the great thing about kids.. they are going to believe what they want to believe no matter what you tell them. If they want to believe, they will.

Friday, March 4, 2011

What I'm dreaming about...

     As we are getting closer to moving into our home (getting our furniture and things on Saturday!!) I am dreaming of making a whole now look in our house and slowly changing the decor to something that I find is more 'me'.  I want to decorate it with the things that make me happy.  This will be a long, slow process because I do not have a lot of money to just throw into things.  And even if I did, I couldn't do that!   I'm happy to use a few things that I already own and love but has no idea what to do with.  It makes me so happy to know I can bring my beloved things back to life.  So what am I thinking about that is making me so darn happy you ask?
 well hold on, I'll tell ya!

    My old steamer trunk that Matt got for me for only $20 at a antique shop while he was on a business trip in New York.  I really had no place to put it, our house was oddly shaped and did not allow much furniture so the poor thing was just stuck against a wall, getting no love. It became a place to put junk.  It is dated to late 1800s to early 1900s. I would love to fix it up (if I had any idea how to) and keep it around and let it grow old with us.  First step is to get rid of that god-awful smell inside!

   Here is a picture of me (that Claire took), with the trunk in the background being abused and used as a place to put purses, laundry and random junk in general (so embarrassing- I can't believe I am even posting a picture of the mess)- poor lil guy! I'm so sorry, I will take better care of you, I promise!:

 The second thing I am dreaming of is my salt and pepper shakers that I previously talked about

   The third thing I am dreaming about is this chair:

    And don't you dare say it's ugly because it isn't- I love it and I can't stop dreaming about it.  Unfortunately, in all our cheapness, it just costs a bit too much for us, especially when there are other things that we actually need (say, a dining table!) so you better believe that I am saving up a little money at a time for it. I will have this chair!

   So that is what I have been dreaming and smiling about these days!

   Tomorrow the movers will be here and we will enter pure chaos, I'm sure. I will be sure to take plenty of pictures! I am positive it will be quite a sight to see- thousands of boxes in our tiny house and the kids climbing and jumping off of each one.  Wish us luck tomorrow and I wish everyone a great day!

Salt and pepper shakers

A about two years ago years ago while at Morning Star, (a flea market) I spotting a pair of salt and pepper shakers. They seemed old and not in very great shape. They were quite useless as salt/pepper shakers, seeing as how they were only about 2 inches tall. It was a little Dutch boy and a little Dutch girl. Looking back now, I wonder if they really are Dutch.. maybe German? Now that I have the Dutch last name and my kids have dutch blood in them, I feel a closeness with Dutch things and quite honestly, I'm a tad jealous that I am not Dutch! So in my Dutch-envy, I just assumed these little figures were Dutch.. and I will continue to think that no matter if it's true or not because it makes me happy!.. Now back to the point of the story.. I found these lovely little things and stopped and admired them for a while and then went on my way. I kept thinking about them. I came back and looked at them again. They were $8 I believe. not expensive- certainly something I could afford but still a little much for something broken down and old. And really.. what am I going to do with them and why do I even like them in the first place?? So I walked away again. Later on, I just got to the point where I couldn't take it any more, I just needed to buy them and I had no idea why. I just loved them, even they they were old, ugly and served no purpose- they needed to be mine! So I bought them. And I was thrilled with myself for doing so. I get home and found that I had no place to put them. They didn't match my decor and they are just so small. I put them on the mantle only to get swallowed by the busyness of the junk mail, keys and what not on the mantle. I put them away at Christmas and then forgot to put them back up. Now I know they are packed in one of my boxes.. and the movers are driving them through a few states and back to mommy! I miss these little guys and I honestly can not stop thinking about them- I know it's crazy, and stupid but it's true! I hope to God I find them and they aren't broken. I am planning in my head a special little spot for them so they can get the attention they deserve..

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Oh Happy Day

  I am pleased to announce that my happiness has just gone up a few points these days.

    As I drive back to our apartments after just visiting our new house we are now renting (and waiting for our furniture and other belongings to arrive), I can't seem to stop smiling. I realize that this was it, this was the answer. At risk of possibly sounding materialistic, I have to say, having a house as opposed to an apartment makes me happy and I think it will improve my quality of life.
    Earlier this morning, after dropping Claire off at school, Emily, Noah and I stopped by the house so I could clean it. As I scrub the walls, I glance out the sliding glass door and notice Emily happily playing outside, with the sunlight streaming on her and a cool, feel-good breeze on her.  This is what a kid is supposed to be doing! Not stuck in some apartment all day.  They need to experience the elements, get dirty and play hard!  It's a fairly warm day today, about 65 degrees and sunny, perfect weather for a stroll through our new neighborhood and some exploring!  I strap the kids in the stroller and venture out.  I see a sidewalk; just one sidewalk that seems to lead somewhere, so I figured we might as well see where it takes us. We pass a calm, serene pond with two houses overlooking it, we go up a slight hill, (rendering me out of breathe due to the heavy double stroller and two children in it- what a nice workout!) as I follow the curves of the side walk, I start to see a blue roof and I know right away that it is the elementary school that Claire will be going to this fall (did I really say that? My baby is going to Kindergarten!?) I start imagining cool, fall afternoons of walking to the school to pick Claire up, having her skip beside me, excitedly talking about her day. I'm no fool though, I know it will most likely end up with a tired Claire, complaining about having to walk so much and me forgetting my baby carrier for Noah, so I will some how manage holding her and pushing a double stroller while everyone is tired, hungry and crying.. but I can dream, right?

    We get back to the apartments after picking Claire up from school, I unbuckled some cranky kids and got them to walk up the stairs, all while hearing them complain about how they are too tired to go up the stairs. We finally get to the door and I realize I left my keys in the (unlocked, thankfully) car so down the stairs I go, while listening to Emily screaming because she is just that grumpy and needs to let us all know; probably bothering all of our neighbors. I can not get out of here soon enough! Thank you God for helping us find this new house. I really liked the other house and I thought that was the one for us. We almost got it but this house came in at the last minute and won us over (seeing as how it allowed us to keep our dear kitty) I am realizing how this house is a better fit for us. Yes, it is a great deal smaller (less to clean!) but I love that there is a fenced yard for the kids to play all day in. I love that the driveway goes right up to the door of the house- so much easier for loading and unloading kids, groceries etc. I love that it is all on one floor, which greatly improves my likelihood of putting laundry away when done washing and folding it (stairs are so discouraging!) I love that there is a grocery store about 1 minute away from us, and a huge thrift store within walking distance. Now having the school within walking distance as well (but not too close) is another thing to add on my list.

    This love I have for our new place and it's neighborhood will slowly diminish slightly as the months go by, I'm sure of it. The excitement will wear off. The one thing I know is that this house is the best thing for us at the moment and I really can't imagine it being any worse the stuck up 3 flights of stairs, with 3 small kids and no yard!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

(not so) Worldless Wednesday

Emmy kissing Ollie while saying, "You can go to our new house!"

loving our bilibos

Monday, February 21, 2011

A few randoms...

  • Noah is getting another tooth!

  • The whole family is sick but Claire is feeling the worst. Illness spreads through our house like wildfire :(

  • I think I may start Muffin Tin Mondays for lunch.. but knowing my track record with Wordless Wednesday, I wouldn't expect too much if I were you ;)

  • It's 70 degrees right now and I haven't even stepped foot out of these apartment doors to enjoy it :(

  • I'm waiting around all day, waiting to hear if we can get the house we want to rent- get me out of these blasted apartments!

  • Every time I see the lady who lives below us, she is "on her cell phone" and avoids eye contact  (for those that don't know, I had a cops visit my house in the afternoon because I guess my kids were making too much noise.. I'm a little bitter that no one talked to me first.)

  • I can not wait for my brothers wedding! Not looking forward to another 10-12 hr drive to PA but  the wedding will be great!! It'll be so much fun to be a bridesmaid and to see my girls as flower girls but most importantly, to see my brother marry such a great, lovely person. (I LOVE weddings!!)

  • I'm still not quite sure what we are to do with kitty when we move  :(

  • Mr T and Lola (the bearded dragons) are becoming great friends!

  •  While I was on the phone with Matt, Emily kept asking to talk to him. I handed over the phone and she rambled on about a picture she was drawling. She then suddenly stopped talking and handed the phone back to me. It's so great to see her talk so much now! She's come a long way, I was starting to get worried about her!

  • We bought adult sized crickets for Mr T and they are always chriping! I close my eyes and imagine a breezy, warm summer night along with the chriping and it makes me smile.

.. and a few random pictures to go with the random thoughts:

Sick girl still gives a princess smile for the camera

Emmy and her B

Mr T (and Lola in the background)

The pile of laundry that accumulates when the whole family gets sick : /

Claire drew this and didn't have anything to copy from- I was impressed