Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
I closed my eyes and prayed. Begging God to show me what is next.
"What do I need to do? What do you want to show me? I am ready! I am so ready to put it all down and follow. I just need to know. Show me what I am to do and I will do it!"
And I sit there. In the still darkness. And I wait.
Thoughts that are stern yet quiet echo in my head. Words that I don't really want to hear. "Be at peace. Be still and be at peace."
I just wanted to yell, "What?! That is it?? I want something bigger!"
I have had 3 children in 3 1/2 years. In my 10 years of marriage, we have moved 7 times. My house; full of always hyper children is not peaceful. My heart; full of longing: wanting and needing more doesn't know peace. My head; swirling anxious thoughts and always trying to figure out the next plan is not at peace. I don't know peacefulness.
I didn't realize that. How could I not have realized that?
I realized that I can't even pray without trying to answer my own prayer. I can't just let the worries of my heart go and trust. I think I can do it.. but it doesn't last longer than a day. I am always doubting, always wondering if He really got it, does he REALLY understand how important this is? Was that a sign or was I trying to MAKE that a sign? My mind is always on go. Never stopping, never still.
I am not at peace.
I think God is trying to teach this stubborn and impatient child that maybe my "something bigger" will take a year, maybe 10 years. Maybe it won't be what I am praying for but will turn out to be something even better. I'm not supposed to know, I'm just supposed to trust and put all of my faith, trust and love in HIM. Something great IS in store for me, I know this without a doubt. But I need to go through this famine of quiet first. Learn to be at peace. And trust.