In my desperation I have searched for some tips. I came across some good tips from the Dr. Sears website that I thought I would share (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T064200.asp)
Now I just need this all to magically work!
Parents of more then one children; feel free to leave me some perals of wisdom of how you keep the peace and togetherness with your kids, I'd love to hear about it
"6. Raise sensitive sibs. It's hard to hate and hit a person you care about and who cares about you. I don't believe siblings are born adversaries, certainly not unless parents permit it. You can nurture patterns of life-long friendship among your children by helping them find constructive ways to be sensitive to each other. Learning to live with a sib is a child's first lesson in getting along with other children. Early in our parenting career, we realized that the parent's role in promoting sibling harmony is as a facilitator, one who doesn't do things directly for the children, but rather sets conditions that foster a compatible relationship between them. Your job is not to control how siblings relate, but rather to shape these relationships. Here are the sibling relationships we tried to facilitate:
1.Sib in charge. If your children are several years apart, give the older child some supervised responsibility for the younger one. This will motivate the older brother or sister to care, and the younger sib will sense this. Even a toddler can gently hold and pat the tiny baby under supervision.
2. Sib as comforter. When one child was hurt, we would ask one of our other children to help attend to the injury. We would give our assistant a job title: "Dr. Erin, you hold Matthew's leg while I wrap it" or "Please put the bandage on Lauren's cut." The "doctor" would most likely muster up compassion for the "patient." It's hard to hate the hand that comforts you.
3. Sib as minister. In our family, if one child was either physically or emotionally hurt, the others were encouraged to offer comfort to ease the pain. We called this practice "laying on of hands." The sib under pressure (whether it be an upcoming test, or an emotional or physical hurt) would sit in the middle of the group while the rest of us would place a hand on him and pray for his comfort in a calming way. When our seventh child, Stephen, was born, we saw very little sibling rivalry between the rest of the children. Because Stephen was born with Down Syndrome, our children soon learned – because they were taught – that Stephen had special needs and he needed a special kind of brotherly and sisterly love.
4. Sib as teacher. Encourage your child to teach a skill he is proficient at to his sibling. For example, we got our son Matthew, an avid baseball player, to show his brother Stephen how to hit and catch a ball. And now, years later, Stephen can play ball well with typical boys his age.
5. Sibs as co-workers. Assign children tasks that require cooperation and motivate them to work together: "Matthew, would you and Erin please clean up the garage? If you two hurry, we can finish soon enough to catch an afternoon movie!" If the siblings are born with clashing personalities, the adult monitor should keep a "bossy-submissive" relationship from developing.
6. Sibs as co-sleepers. Parents in our practice have told us that children who sleep together at night usually play more peacefully together during the day. That has also been our experience.
7. Sib as entertainer. If you have a born clown, capitalize on that asset and encourage the clown to entertain the other sibling, such as the older child humoring the toddler while you get something done. "
"7. Set limits. Sometimes you're too tired to play amateur psychologist and you just want to click into your police mode. Do it and don't worry about permanently damaging your child's psyche. Give clear messages about how you expect your kids to behave toward one another before arguments become a way of life. Offer calm verbal reminders: "That's a put-down," as one sib belittles the other. Or, issue a look that says "don't even think about it!" Head off fights at the first squabble, before they get out of hand. Be watchful for aggressor- victim roles. Your job is to protect your children, even from one another. How siblings behave toward one another is their first social lesson in how to behave in a group. In our family, we have set certain "maximum allowable limits", which are behaviors that we insist upon to like living with our children, and the children are taught to respect these. When bickering and toy squabbles have reached intolerable decibels, Martha simply announces, "That's disturbing my peace." The children have learned – because they have been taught – that this means the limits have been reached and more socially-acceptable behavior must follow. "
"11. Promote empathy. Disciplining siblings is giving them the tools to succeed in life, and one of the most important tools that has life-long social implications is the quality of empathy. This is another way of stating the Golden Rule – "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Help your children learn how to get behind the eyes of another person and think first how their behavior is going to affect that other person. We want our children to think through what they're about to do. A lack of empathy is the hallmark of sociopathic relationships between adult siblings. "
13. Ignore smallies; address biggies. For smallies, such as toy squabbles, teach children to handle it themselves. Simply state the consequences and what you expect, "I'll be back in one minute. If you kids haven't learned how to share the toy or work it out, the toy goes in the garage." You can either time-out the toy or time-out the kids. You're giving them two messages: you expect them to be able to work it out themselves, but you're giving them the unequivocal consequences that if they don't, you will. Children expect parental guidance, as if wanting adults to protect them from being like, well, kids. Biggies are put-downs, or one child victimizing the other. In these situations, children need you to monitor put-downs. If you don't, you're not doing your job. By remaining silent, the victim concludes you're siding with the victimizer. Some sibling squabbles seem to be a right of passage. Children practice on each other, especially when they're bored. They feel, "We need some action here. Let's stir things up." This can lead to the older child goading the younger one, though oftentimes the younger sib becomes the pest and instigator, as if child number two has to try just a little harder.
"14. Children do not have to be treated equally. While children are created equally, it's impossible to treat them that way all the time. It took us several children to discover this fact of large family life. In their desire to prevent sibling squabbles, parents strive to do everything the same way for all their children, whether it's buying pajamas or selecting a college. Children aren't the same; you don't need to behave as if they were. Make moment-by-moment decisions and don't worry about the long-term consequences if you give one child more strokes than the other one day. Shoot for a balanced week, not a balanced day. "Why did Hayden get a new pair of shoes and I didn't?" quibbled Erin. "Because hers were worn out and you got a new pair of shoes last month." Yet, we didn't let Hayden flaunt her prize in front of Erin. Children want to be treated individually, not equally.
Yet, children have an innate sense of fairness, or what they perceive as being fair. Some children are born scorekeepers. If you try to join the game, it will drive you nuts. One evening at dinner two of our score- keeping children counted the number of peas they had been served to be sure they got an equal number. After that, we let them serve themselves. If they wanted to go through this ridiculous exercise, that was their choice, but we weren't going to join in this draining game. If a treat needs to be divided, we let one child divide the treat, while the other one gets first choice. As much as you can, try to divide chores equally among children according to their ages and capabilities, yet don't beat yourself up trying to be 100 percent fair. You can't be.
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| Emily and Claire having fun and working together, doing chores |
1 comment:
Oh Kara I can so relate to your struggles with your girls. Recently my boys have been doing the same thing... especially with the scratching. It's so frustrating! Thank you for the pointers that you shared. I can't wait to try a few.
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